everyone has their own sets of worry and despair. i have mine too. i am able to usually brush them off during the day but come nightfall, Despair haunts and sticks to me like a plague. every.single.night.
i can't sleep. and i haven't been sleeping well for the past couple of weeks. my mind shifts from first gear to the fifth just as swiftly as i lay my head to rest on the pillow. to diagnose the problem is actually easy - i think too much. and as to What do i think about, i'll keep them in my closet for now.
about a week ago, i found a little something that could knock me off within minutes and i call it my Miracle Pill. purchased over the counters of Watson, Afidil manufactured by Ranbaxy was supposed to be the alternative to Clarinase, a flu/sinus pill. Miss Pharmacist cautioned that Afidil will cause drowsiness, and therefore is best not to be taken during working hours. a week ago, i took one and not only did my flu disappear, it knocked me off into slumberland within minutes.
and now, even as the flu virus has left my body, i still take one each night. religiously, 1 pill + water, 5 min before getting ready to bed. i know it's bad but it helps chase the demons away at night. this morning, the boyfriend found out i've been taking it every night has warned me to quit the habit. "you don't want to depend on a pill every night to sleep for the rest of your lives do you?"
no, i don't want to. but please, i need my sleep. i want to sleep. why can't i just sleep like how normal people do?! having said that, my problem of an overactive mind first needs to be rectified. my mind can travel so far and intense at night, that it has caused me much depression and of course, my precious beauty sleep. i highly suspect it has something to do with the daily '9-5.30pm mon to fri' routine. i am not a fan of a routined life. it is mundane and boring, it is slowly killing and eating me inside.
i don't know how to deal with it. last night was exceptionally bad. i was fighting hard to fall asleep without Afidil, when all of a sudden, the Suddenly Inspired Boyfriend stormed into the room chanting, "Must make more money! Must make more money!". i could've have him killed at that very moment but decided against the idea as he is still however, part of the very few reasons left that is keeping my sanity intact.
so, i woke up today feeling extra shitty and 100x grouchier than Oscar of Sesame St. and what's worse is knowing that you'll be going through the same cycle tonight, tomorrow night, and night after. week after week after week. understand that i am doing something about it. i'm mentally conjuring up a Plan B and is aggressively plotting my sweet escape. all i need is somemore time and fundings. and a warm hug to tell me that everything's gonna be alright. i never thought i'd still say this but i miss you.
"piggyback"
doing things like this, cheers me up in ways that you can never imagine. i perked up almost immediately the moment i set my mind, my fingers and most importantly, my heart to work. i learn to always draw from the heart and by doing that, my fingers move just as easy and in sync with what i have in mind. those who have me on Facebook would recognize this pig as Fat Luna, my ex-pet. "Ex" because I decided she was getting too depressing for me as she is NEVER smiling no matter how much i fed and pet her. so i got *stardust* instead, a happy jovial little dog.
Fat Luna
*stardust*
see what i mean?
anyways, i have another blog going on. this new little bloggie is also helping me stay sane for the time being. check it out if you want:
http://miniboygirl.blogspot.com
