Date: Aug 14
Time: 1125hr
Mode: High
Status of suicide work: 1 more sub-design (Editing, touch-ups to be done tonight)

Music that kept the sanity intact for the past 22hrs: Safri Duo (mmm-mm!)

Food consumed: Dragonfruit, Honeydew, Goober Peanut Butter Strawberry Jelly, M&Ms, Cadbury Rum & Raisin Chocolates (simply couldn't resist!) and some leftover soup, and a couple mugs of caffeine-loaded coffeeeee

No. of times glances stole at bed: Lost count!

No. of times toyed with mamak idea with Anne: 6

No. of times called & smsed to threaten negotiate with Justin to extend 1mth to 2mths of FREE margaritas: 4 (Result: Successful!)

No. of times toyed with Vodka shots idea: 8 (Result: Just 1. So 'shots' didn't count)

Going off to get some sleep before RPM class at 6pm. I don't normally do classes on weekends but today's an exception because:

• I feel sick having ate crap the whole night.
• I want happy happy hormones to flow all over me :D
• And I feel tremendously satisfied with the designs' end results despite such tight deadline

So let's sing and shake that booty to the tune of Benny Benassi's --

** Push me
And then just touch me
Till I can get my satisfaction
Satisfaction, satisfaction, satisfaction, satisfaction **

Date: Aug 13
Day: Saturday
Time: 1500hr
Mode: Lazy + Highly stressed out

As much as I want to stay lazy for the rest of the day, I just can't. I have THREE very contrasting designs to come up with by Monday. Well actually, it's NINE. Each major design has three sub-designs for comparing and choosing purposes. So just imagine, how many creative ways have I thought of to kill myself for bringing this to myself? :)

The last time I had a job offer as major as this was back in the month of April '05. In between some shut-eyes for that week, I literally didn't sleep for two days at least. But the end results were worth it all. As much as I've loved the adrenaline rush and the last minute madness, the nods of 'yes' from clients were like icing of the cake. I admit that I thrive on crazy deadlines, and mentally-challenging clients who just can't decide on what they want. But I don't get much of it these days. So imagine, when Justin called me so suddenly on Friday night, requesting 'a little favor' from me, I'd practically jump on it.

'A little favor' turned out to be a very fussy client (from a reputable company which shall not be named for privacy purposes) who wanted some good quality designs by Monday. Had no intention of signing my own suicide note that early by committing to it so I said no. Monday was too close of a deadline and I didn't even have the luxury of looking through the company's profile to note about their style, preferences, and image. I ALWAYS check on every client's profile before committing to the job. My point is this: I have certain styles of my own. The company might and might not have its own distinctive image yet. Therefore, the challenge is to see whether the company can or is willing to absorb my ideas.

And in this case, I haven't even met up with the client! A couple of phone calls and emails do not do justice to this, I can honestly tell you.

But I will try. Because that's what friends are for, aren't they? You are always willing to die to save your friends' asses without any questions asked - provided they are truly desperate enough and are willing to provide "free margaritas for 1 whole month, Angie!" Justin, I sincerely hope you'd bring enough cash and credit cards to thank me for the 'little favor' I am doing for you! Bwahahaha. I can be so eeeee-viiil.

Oh oh oh! I have a few visions and great ideas now! I'm feeling the rush kickin' in and the adrenaline pumping all over me now! Ai-yai-yai! So I'll be good and creative and return to my 1 month worth of free margaritas challenging work now. Will meet up with fussy client on Monday after work (the actual one).

No sleep tonight (to the tune from The Faders). Rush rush rush! Pull pull hair! Bitch bitch bitch! Swear swear swear! Stress stress stress!

But I like :) 

Something which was done by my friend who's also an ex-colleague of mine. Me is in the picture! The one with the 'hau por' pose holding a plate and spoon. That picture was taken during my birthday celebration in the office. Pretty good job by him huh? :)

When was the last time you feel truly happy? Come on, be honest here, at least to yourselves. When was the last time you feel joyful, ecstatic or even, on cloud nine? Being happy for 30 min doesn't count and a couple of hours of happiness well, to me doesn't count either. To be in a state of great exuberance of joy to me is a wonderful feeling that is beyond description and notably, a memorable one that would still brings out a smile on your face every time you think about it.

You have to admit that this exquisitely intense feeling doesn't come around often. If one experiences great happiness on a very constant basis, what is so special about the occasions or reasons to be happy about? Happiness would then merely be just another feeling of contentment. It's just like having to live in a world where everyone is beautiful - so no one really stands out because there are no ugly not-so-nice looking people around to compare.

The last time I truly felt happy was when I received a phone call on one evening from someone, informing me that I've gotten the job that I've applied for. The feeling of such at that moment that to describe it was just beyond words. It wasn't just any other job that I've applied just for the fun of it to see whether I could land on it by chance or luck. It was a job that I actually have looked through thoroughly before applying and prayed hard that I could be a part of it. So here I am, at the the job, having a good time learning every possible thing that could satiate my inquisitive mind.

Backtracking from New Job Ecstasy, I guess I honestly knew I was exceedingly happy when I was...

Come to think of it, I don't recall any. I mean, yes...

• Spending time with the family has always been pleasurable
• Hanging out with friends is an endless fun-filled enjoyment activity
• Waking up to a beautiful breezy morning is an easy happiness-inducer
• Waking up beside a loved one is even happier
• Waking up with a flat tummy boosts the extra confidence throughout the day :)
• Finding the right top, skirt or shoes at a bargained price is always good
• Seeing Little Boy holding hands with Little Mei Mei is always delightful
• Spotting old grandpa walking slowly hand-in-hand with old ah-ma nevers fails to conjure up a smile on the face
• All curled up in bed on a glorious rainy weather with a good book by the window side always brings about the "ahhhh... mmmm" feeling of great comfort and relaxation
• Completing an hour of RPM class with the sports-bra all soaked up with sweat always have me saying, "Man, that was goooooddddd"
• Being able to learn up a new song that I like on the piano always gives me the I-did-it and I-knew-I-could-master-it kinda feeling
• Being able to locate good, unknown, non-commercialized songs on Ares is an achievement (you need skills and brains to do this, this is serious work!)
• Seeing the happy faces of those who receive birthday and Christmas presents is priceless
• Seeing a cute little dog wagging its tail earnestly at you is blissfully pleasant
• Meeting the New Someone that could fire up that *thump thump* feeling in the heart - *thump thump* increases to *dub dub dub dub dub* when SMSes from that New Someone pops up unexpectedly
• And lastly, having completed each blog entry produces immense satisfaction of having delivered my thoughts and feelings across almost accurately

So, does this mean that I don't lead a happy life when the last time I felt truly joyful was 1 month ago when I received that phone call for the new job? I hope not because that would potentially put me in the same category of a depression-sufferer. I am not depressed, I definitely am not.

I just feel that something is lacking in my life. Everyday is too routine-like for my liking. I need to search for that little spark to fire up the other person inside of me. I think she has been hibernating long enough and it's high time that she's to come out and ignite that little spark and add new memorable chapters to my 24 years of mingling with the human race.

So, when was your last memorable indescribable feeling of pure bliss? I would love to know :)

I am thinking of changing my phone number.

Not that I'm being the impulsive girl I am this time, or that I got bored of my number. As a matter of fact, I like my number very much. It's easy to remember and very Chinese well-liked with all the 'Eights'. Well, that's not to say that my favorite number is 8 - I like the number 9.

Ok, before I get too long-winded again, I am toying with the idea of changing my digits simply because I've been getting a lot of unknown calls lately. Not wrong numbers, mind you. These people knew my name. Ok, jantans, all of them. One guy at a different time phase is understandable but a few guys all at once?

Normally I do not entertain unknown calls. My logic is this: If the person is desperate to get to you, say, your brother couldn't use his hp to call you and is using his friend's and if it's urgent - he'd always leave a voicemail (which I always check on) or SMS. So, it truly baffles and at the same time, amuses me to see some people with the unknown numbers can keep calling you and not being able to get to you, would STILL NOT leave a message or SMS! Weird? I think so too.

So of lately, I have decided to change a little. I decided that I should not be so anti-social and that I should be picking up those persistent calls to put an end to all the mystery.

• Caller #1 - "Hi Angie! My name is ABC and I just got back from the overseas and found that I have a number which I couldn't put the face to, so I thought I'd give you a call..."
  Result: Turned out, I had no idea who he claimed himself to be or how he had gotten my number.
• Caller #2 - "Hi! It's so hard to get you to answer my calls! But I'm DEF and your number has been in my phone for quite some time now. I was clearing up my phone list on the hp the other day and thought I should check on your number to see who it is..."
  Result: Who the hell is DEF??? Why was he acting as if he knew me so damn well?
• Caller #3 - Same lame excuse as Caller #2.
  This, my friends, was our 'friend' you all read about in my earlier blog entry a.k.a TWERP. And he was the first and last person I ever dared to go out with in attempt to satisfy my curiosity in regards to the Case of Mysterious Phone Calls.

I have friends asking me why I never pick up phone calls when I was out having dinner or mamak with them. "New love target whom you're too shy to talk to in front of us ah?" is always the case. I never bothered explaining because it would be pointless as knowing these friends of mine well enough, they'd actually encourage me to play along, get to know the guy and meet up with them. I have a bunch of very crazy and adventurous friends, so coming from that, I'd rather not explain.

BUT THEN AGAIN...

Why should I give up something I like very much just to escape from something that's ... well yes, bothersome and irritating BUT still manageable? I like my number and I'm keeping it. And if I have to ignore 10 unknown phone calls a day, I WILL. I have this faith in the saying 'everyone's level of patience has its limits', and on one fine day, these weirdos will decide and come to a conclusion that, "Damn this woman, what a bitch and a weirdo who doesn't answer phone calls!"

That'd be sweet and once again, peace will be restored :)

Had an incredible one-hour RPM workout at 10am this morning. Felt so revitalized and HAPPY ~ La La Laaaa :D It's true when they say you release endorphins a.k.a feel good hormones when you exercise. And I'm feeling so good right now that I can kiss anyone! Even gfs of ex-bfs!

I'll try to write this in relevance to everyone's life. Hope you are able to grasp its meaning though I tend to be a lil long-winded at times. I used to run a lot - 7KM on alternate days. I ran so much till I screwed up my knees quite a bit. My friend, Sam was right when he said that I got addicted to running. The addiction got quite bad to the extent that even when I was on trips back to Ipoh (mum's hometown) or holidaying at some place with friends, I'd pack along my running shoes so that I wouldn't have to go through 2 days without running.

Then the pain hit me. That was the only thing that could prevent me from running. I mean, how can one run when their knees are so screwed up that every step you pound on the ground hurts like hell? Doctors told me to lay off running for awhile. "How long doctor?" I asked sweetly, assuming he had some magic pills I could pop some and then I could hit on the tracks in 3 days time.

"2 weeks. Probably one month. But at least 2 weeks."

Felt as though my whole world has collapsed. Just like how men would feel when there are no more beers in this world and women, will never ever be able to achieve orgasms anymore.

Being a feisty girl I was, I was determined to find a solution to this problem. Spoke to a couple of friends who were runner fanatics like me, and I thought I found a solution - Glucosamine. Got myself to GNC and found out that Glucosamine could be quite pricey.

So there was no way in hell I would be able to run for the next couple of days at least. I couldn't have the thing that I desire most at that point in my life. For once in my life, I could not do the one thing that I love doing most. I think most of you out there just couldn't imagine how badly this had affected me last time so just imagine this - not being able to have sex anymore. Hope that scenario helped a bit. Tee-hee-hee :)

Then one fine day came when I suddenly had this desire to give RPM a try. For those who follow my stories regularly on my blogspace would know what RPM is. First try, did not like it at all. And I was still feeling miserable not being able to run. I was so determined that nothing in this world could ever replace the joys and wonders of running anymore. Then I kept noticing just how popular the RPM classes were in my gym. So I thought to myself that the classes must be really good for being able to attract such huge followers. So I decided to give it another go.

Another go I took. And another. And another once more. And after that I was hooked. Up till now. And guess what? No more pain! No more having to endure knee pains! I can RPM as often as I want. Unlike running, where I could only run for a couple of days and rest and lay off for the next remaining days of the week. Ahh... bliss!

So the moral of the story is...

So often we find ourselves so engrossed with one thing / person, that we tend to ignore the other alternatives that are actually really good for us. We have this mindset of this thing, this person is the one. Nothing in this world could ever replace it, him or her. I want nothing else but this. Then we build walls around us, fending off all the other possibilities that could disrupt our concentration on achieving or winning it, him or her. That, my friends, should NEVER be a factor that would stop you from getting the most out of life. If that one thing fails, look around for other alternatives. If that relationship did not work out, be glad that it failed - giving you a second opportunity in seeking a better one. And if the prospect of going after the 'dream' guy or girl for weeks, months or even years, does not seem so bright now - do yourself a favor, stop torturing yourself and go out there and meet other possible 'dream' guys or girls!

Easier said than done you say? Well yes it is. Nothing comes easy in life. But it would be easier if we DO something about it rather than moping and complaining about it. Yes?

Right now I am so in love with RPM. But I also realised that one day I might not be able to do RPM anymore. So should that time comes, I will cleverly seek other options and move on. Feel so happyyyyyyyyyy now. Makes me wonder just how long do the endorphins swim around your body or mind?

Again I use this quote:

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened before us -- Helen Keller

I was so childish last night.

I was watching a couple of episodes of DH and for the record, I'm left with the last three episodes for Season 1 (altogether there are 23 episodes). I was all ready for episode 21 and all of a sudden, the DVD wouldn't read! I did the Alt_Ctrl_Del a couple of times. I restarted my notebook a few times and it just wouldn't read the last three episodes.

So what did I do at that time?

I cried. I obviously did not solely cried just because I couldn't watch DH. I had my reasons. I sobbed and sniffed because:

• I dislike going out with my friends who are all couples. I try not to come in their way as much as I can. So I stay home at night most of the time. And when I'm home, I'm faced with my housemates who happen to be a couple as well. So I try not to intrude their privacy too much. OK, THE BOTTOM LINE WAS, ALL I WANTED TO DO LAST NIGHT WAS TO HAVE A GOOD MARATHON WATCH ON DH BUT THE DAMN THING WOULDN'T LET ME. I mean that was the only thing that could calm me down at that moment. Reading Harry Potter is different since I couldn't concentrate much last night. So I cried laaa.
  
• Then I was doing my thing again. I thought back. I reflected back. I thought of all the fun things me and my ex used to do. And I looked at myself last night, having to go through and do everything by myself. I do grocery shopping by myself too sometimes. I refuse to allow friends to join me simply because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do everything by myself. So I cried for trying so hard to be strong.
  
• Then I picked up the phone to call my ex. Just for chats and to discuss about Brazil Boy. And as expected he didn't pick up my call as the gf was there. So I cried feeling frustrated that he could treat a long time friend who was in need like that simply because the gf was there.
  
• Then finally, issue regarding Brazil Boy, is indeed quite complicated. I mean, I already made the decision to avoid him so that things could wrapped up and that everyone can move on easier. But obviously that was not the case. I don't feel ok. So I cried for having doubts in making the decision that I did.

I am tired of trying and forcing myself to be strong when I am actually not. I am tired of having to keep telling myself that "everything's fine, and that doing things by myself is good practice". I am tired of being so independent when sometimes all I want is to be a lil weak and have someone to pick me up and have someone I can do or share things together with. For the first time last night, I realized I have feelings that I simply cannot shut out or ignore anymore. And for some reasons, if I feel like crying, it's ok to cry and I WILL cry it out.

So if you could just look at it perceptively, I can sometimes be such a crybaby.

 The term, 'outrage of modesty' brought about a better understanding for me last night. To outrage somebody's modesty simply means to sexually attack somebody.

All I wanted to do last night was have a good night out with a good company, in a good place and a couple of harmless drinks. I admit it was part of my own fault in the first place anyway. I mean, trying to be brave is a good. But...

* Bravery + Naivety + A teeny weeny pinch of Charm = A Recipe for Disaster *

Ok, the story was like this: We shall call him, "Twerp".

Twerp had my number stored in his phone with my name and did not recall how it got there. So he decided to give me a call a couple of months ago while I was still working in my former company. He sounded nice, civilized and basically a ok guy. We never really got in touch much but once in awhile, he would drop me SMSes asking me out for dinners and drinks. To all, which I've declined effortlessly as I was at that time still dating You-Know-Who.

Then came last night. I actually didn't want to spend the night doing Desperate Housewives Marathon again. So I decided to give it a go with Mr Twerp himself. He had an earlier outing with colleagues at Souled Out, had a couple of beers, etc. BUT he was still very much sober when he picked me up. We headed down to Bangsar and being the 'smart' girl I am, I even chose a non-alcoholic joint, Starbucks.

Not so smart when it happened. I mean come onnnn, I never even thought he could be like that in the first place! He looked and sounded polite, gentleman, yada yada yada. This was when 'naivety' and 'stupidity' kicked in. I actually trusted him to bring me out and back home safely.

Twerp brought me to a secluded housing area instead. (After the drinks and the 'great' conversations). I never knew it was coming even when he purposely took a different route instead of heading towards the highway. I naively and sweetly asked, "Why are you using this road?" Like duhhh, how stupid could I get?!

He did not reply me. He stopped his car by the roadside, switched off the headlights and took a pause. And being even more stupid, I asked, "What are you doing? Are you alright?"  @#&$*!@* Arrrgh, I should have just shot myself dead for being so stupid.

Then he turned and looked at me. So obviously I looked back. He lunged forward to kiss me on my right cheek and he didn't stop there. No, no... Mr Twerp went on lusting over my exposed neck (!) So I pushed him away tactfully and trying not to make things awkward, I even spoke to him politely asking him to send me back and that this wasn't right because "We just met" and 'Obviously you are drunk" (which he wasn't at all!) I was just being polite so that he did not have to feel awkward and stupid for what he did.

But being the @sshole he was, he did not stop. He was forcing himself on me trying to kiss my neck. Gawd! I never felt so grossed out in my life before. At that moment, I understood one thing - that no matter how pleasurable an action can be, if you are with the wrong person, it sucks.

And it did. It sucked big time. My night sucked big time. I could have slapped him but I did not. Wonder why I did not since I've been wanting to find out how it feels like to swiftly fly a palm print across someone's face. Yes, I have never slapped anyone in my entire life. And I believe he should have had the honor in having my first go, but dammit, I forgot all about it. That a slap would give a beautiful end to the whole euphoria.

So somehow, I got some sense into him. I opened the car door and placed one foot out. Now this is when the slap would have came in perfectly well. He wouldn't let go off me! Twerp apologized and said he will send me back. I shot back at him "No need. Good night."

And he was still tugging. Tug as hard as he may, it went on for a good 10 min or so. Finally got myself loose and got out of the car and walked. I walked fast, never looking back. Got my cellphone out and was soon calling up this friend of mine who was nice enough to come all the way to pick me up and hear me bitch about my disastrous night.

I am not sad or *sob sob, he kissed me*, but more of a 'how dare he kissed and lusted over me on the first date'. And when a woman says no, should you want to still be considered as a gentleman, you take the no with stride and stop.

What a drama it has been. Geez.

Have you ever have to see your ex like 5 times in week? Well, I have to. Simply because we belonged in the same affiliation. Somehow in my little heart, I could open up and speak to him like a civilized human now.

We would talk about life at work, relationships (on my side) BUT never his. It's like a taboo we avoid talking. Why? Because my dear friends, we all know who and what caused the Third World War. And if we were to mention his current relationship now, God forbids, I might blow up be upset again. (Eventhough I have absolutely no more feelings or whatsoever for him anymore)

I think I deserve some credit here for being brave enough to forgive (but never forget - wise words from Ron). But doesn't forgiving a person also mean forgiving his everything? Like, if I see him and her talking intently and lovingly, I shouldn't feel uneasy right? Wrong. I still feel uneasy.

And know what's worse? I kind of stumbled upon his account in Friendster and saw the many photographs of them together. I looked at the pictures, trying to rationalize how exactly was I feeling, only to realize that I still feel angry. Not sad, but angry.

So, I was having this thought while driving back yesterday. If he ever were to get married one day, would I hate the bride?

And I realized this - any other bride is fine by me, only if it isn't gonna be Her.

Whoever said that being a woman is easy should be shot dead.

All my life I've been waiting
For you to bring a fairy tale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It's not okay I don't feel safe...
                        - Anastasia * Left Outside Alone

You met someone you think you and that person would make a good couple. You would like to get to know the person more and being the interesting person you are, you have confidence that the person would also like to get to know you better...

BUT

With some weird and twisted reasons, both of you just cannot take that ONE step to give it a try simply because... both of you just can't. So what do you do now? Do you let a great chance like this goes by untried. Are you willing to let this life-changing opportunity slip away?

 Did wise people not say that you should strive and work hard for the things that you believe in? Let not obstacles come your way bother and beat you down. Just believe, focus and try. Life's too short to be worrying what others might say, don't you think so?

So, I'd say to you single people out there who already has a special someone in mind but is hesitant in taking the first step, rid off all the 'what ifs', 'cannots', and 'this-isn't-right' for Life is indeed too short for you to be blessed with a second chance.

It is not often you get to know someone whom you'd think he / she will be the person who sprinkles magic into your life, but if you DO find him / her, do what you can and hold on to that person dearly.

Let it pass and the next ship might not arrived at all.

(P/S: In my case, yes there are a lot of fish in the sea but I think there's a hole in my net.)